Performance Evaluations

[doyle]

The list below seems to describe just about every previous employee I've had, at least on some level:

These are purported to be from actual federal employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse.

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-Minutes'

[roger g]

A nice 5:00am chuckle.
I've seen quite a few bosses in some of those categories.

roger

[JOHNNY J.J.]

:lol: doyle I think i can use some of them for my employes evals.

[russeller]

my personal favorite ......

'If his brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to power a piss ants motor scooter one time around the inside of a cheerio ....

[JCA]

" he's very tough, but you have to be when you're that stupid."

[Thumper]

Perfect timing, just spent the morning writing several of my employee's annual performance evaluations... just happens to also be federal government, go figure! - nice to have a reference sheet for them (I think #7 will get used more than once! :-)

[ODDJOB]

If his brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose. :lol:

[tooltroll]

"It is immediately apparent upon meeting this employee that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Speaking with him for a few moments, however, will quickly reveal that he is, in fact, a spoon."

[milton]

why does an iron worker have a stupid look on his face?
because he's stupid;)

[PAJJ]

I recently saw a submitted resume that blew us all away.
Under the "Skills" section where a person would describe their workplace skills, this applicant had written, "lots of skills"
I'm serious!

[11chaos]

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

My favorite

[ritajones]

That's my favorite too. Unfortunately I am guilty of several of these as an employee haha.

[DGoodbrand]

I love this, but worry they may be used to describe me one day